I’ve decided it’s time for me to cash in on my vast experience and knowledge as a Registered Dietitian of 30 years. And that means one thing: writing a bestselling diet book. If you want to sell a novel, there had better be sex. If you want to sell a diet book, you gotta have a gimmick. You’ve got to go a little crazy like telling people that carrots will make them fat (Sugar Busters) or that tomatoes cause heart disease and arthritis (The Plant Paradox), or that gluten fogs your brain (Grain Brain). You can be a Skinny Bitch or a Food Babe. Or you can keep it simple and focus on just one food like The Cabbage Soup Diet, The Cookie Diet or The Juicing Diet.
So, I’m brainstorming which route I want to go. Here are my ideas so far:
1. The Cat Lady Diet. If you’re like me and you love and have cats, I think you’ll love this book. The diet consists of milk and canned tuna packed in water. You can also buy bite-size crunchy high fiber, high protein treats from my website for $19.99 for a two-ounce bag that are guaranteed to make you feel fuller, improve your digestion and prevent hairballs. You'll also limit eating to when your cats are awake which makes this a form of intermittent feline fasting.
2. The Tide Pod Diet. Talk about eating clean! The ultimate in cleanse diets, you get to choose from a variety of rainbow colored individually wrapped high-protein, zero net carb pods that clean your colon and your clothes! Choose from a variety of flavors including Lemon Fresh, Luscious Lavender and Sensitive Skin.
3. The Pandemic Diet: The Pandemic Diet consists of two phases. During the first phase you work from home, wear sweatpants, and shower every three days, because you’ll never wear pretty clothes again or date in person. Exercise consists of trips to the kitchen and watching British baking shows on Netflix. As you transition to phase 2, you return to the office at least 3 days a week wearing a mask all day long, preventing you from eating crappy, stale store-bought cookies in the break room. You'll lose four and half of the twelve pounds you gained in Phase 1. Success!
4. Eat for Your Hogwarts House Diet. The sorting hat determines not only your Hogwarts House but your metabolism as well. But no matter your house, all should watch the butter beer and pumpkin juice. Don’t drink your calories! You’ll also discover just how many calories are in a vial of Polyjuice potion!
I’ll keep bouncing these ideas around but whichever one I go with, I think it’ll be a big seller because you’ll lose lots of weight! Fast! Forever! Buy my book. Please.